NW:O - Glitchy Woman

12/29/12

Back at Legion bar, last refuge in this cold winter night. So much have changed for the better since I last sat here watching the Neverending Story here two weeks ago. 

Landlords dealt with, repairs made to the apartment to make it more hospitable, sickness & depression all but kicked, Christmas with family come and gone. I'm very close to broke though Miss Jackson is transferring funds soon. Even just met up with Josh to discuss writing.

Only one problem remains, the Mega Glitch that's running rampant through my apartment, agitating my existence with every interaction. A casual OkCupid encounter has gone from my extending hospitality to someone rocking the poor bohemian existence, to the tail end of a three year relationship where every word is laced with meaning, every moments becomes an altercation. 

I move fast but this skipped all the emotional courtship and crashed into uncomfortably forced co-habitation. Though on my end it's not forced. She needs a place to stay, her cooking, cleaning, and gifts have been generous as per her means, and it is Christmas after all. 

I did kick her out, or rather sickly confronted her as the Apocalyptic day rolled on last week, asking for my keys back and letting her storm out, when I finally felt at peace. After her mom's care package showed up on Christmas Eve, as Ash & I devoured the goodies, I knew I had to try one more time. 

Not any easier, in fact quite harder, though I'm tougher as I do get in relationships, and can now easily ignore all the games and taunts. Up to a point of course. She's got her own issues and forces kindness upon me and then holds it against me almost immediately. She talks down to me and smugly smiles to herself in the most perfected condescending manner. 

It caught me unawares before but now apathy and a sense of control have made it easier for her to dwell in my trap, let her hang herself with her own guarded bi-polar attitude. It's what I do best after all, take female abuse and process it into shame for them. 

Getting a lot harder to kill 'em with kindness, especially when immense pride comes along with this newfound confidence. And I have had a lifetime of welcomed disrespect. It's mad me angry on a level that, in theory, defies any sense of ethics or morality I may have.

I used to at least take joy in the fact that my suffering brought these people a sense of closure & growth. Now, all I see are whining babies who don't know what to do with themselves, hardly worth the effort to masochistically bow down before. In the end, finally, I now get to ask without a shred of guilt, what's in it for me?