New World: Order - rifts

336 days.

I've successfully detached myself from the life I thought I wanted. That simple settled down life of ordinary adventures, it's long gone, lost to time and a space far behind me. If I fool myself I can believe that that life was a possibility.

Not for me. Chaos owns me and now I'm learning to own it. In the end I always get what I truly want anyways. I suspect that we all do, just that my cover identity convinces myself stronger than it happens with others. The delusion feels like truth, on every level it is reality, but somewhere the mission lies deep within, biding its time until it's time to strike.

I'm more complete than I've ever been. The warring sides of my fictional persona are finally united for some sinister purpose. When I fight their control, that's when I begin to splinter and eventually shatter, finding some quintessentially superior version of who I imagine Charles Crown to be.

Riding back to my new apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, sitting in the L train subway car with a homeless woman huddled in the corner, reeking of shit and filth, so much so that the vagabond hipsters won't even get close, I think upon what's real. In this city of fake-it-til-you-make-it pretenders, I have begun to realize how subjective perceptions of life can be.

I am real. My pain is real. My dreams, no matter how lofty, can be real. It is merely a matter of will and dedication to a purpose. Once I thought that my reason for being was to damn mankind, then I embraced the madness that dwells in my heart, saw that my talent for destruction could be used to liberate others, wake them up to genuine emotion and visceral experience.

Now it is time to utilize that personality of carnage to do something grand scale. I tore down the tower so I could rebuild it to my own design. From this perch I look out on the world and it becomes clear. It's up to me. I must play my part. Even one as damaged as me has a role in this cosmic drama, perhaps the greatest role for I can see it all unfolding, and know how best to destroy it.

First Date

I'm never nervous before first dates. If anything it's my natural environment. A gal across from me, probably a bit anxious, which just brings out my best. Getting to know someone with no approach or ice breakers needed to get things rolling? Yes, please!

I was never good at meeting girls out and about at bars, unless there's a dance floor involved, and then I let my sweet dance moves and shy demeanor do all the work. Plus guys in NYC really set the bar low. If I'm not a total douchebag well that's half the work down. My only real problem is reigning in the charm and sweet talking.

Too often my people pleaser side takes control and I overdo it. Rather than a nice date it's a quick segue into IAR* status. I feel there's something so wrong with me that I project this unreasonably awesome version of myself. It becomes too hard to maintain, especially when I start seeing the cracks in the girl's Dreamgirl facade that I project upon her.

Well time to figure this out. Be myself, my true self who very few people get to see. The strong, confident person that doesn't need to be co-dependent. That doesn't need the affection and adoration of a female to be solid. I've got an apartment in my dream location, a cool new roommate, a comic book in the works, and a bunch of friends who I can build a new life around. Funny how not needing something almost certainly guarantees you'll get it. But what do I want? Certainly not "love". Been there, done that, got the tattoo. It didn't go down how I expected. It all feels like one prolonged delusion in the end. And really, all I need now is reality.

Well that and a shit ton of fun.