336 days.
I've successfully detached myself from the life I thought I wanted. That simple settled down life of ordinary adventures, it's long gone, lost to time and a space far behind me. If I fool myself I can believe that that life was a possibility.
Not for me. Chaos owns me and now I'm learning to own it. In the end I always get what I truly want anyways. I suspect that we all do, just that my cover identity convinces myself stronger than it happens with others. The delusion feels like truth, on every level it is reality, but somewhere the mission lies deep within, biding its time until it's time to strike.
I'm more complete than I've ever been. The warring sides of my fictional persona are finally united for some sinister purpose. When I fight their control, that's when I begin to splinter and eventually shatter, finding some quintessentially superior version of who I imagine Charles Crown to be.
Riding back to my new apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, sitting in the L train subway car with a homeless woman huddled in the corner, reeking of shit and filth, so much so that the vagabond hipsters won't even get close, I think upon what's real. In this city of fake-it-til-you-make-it pretenders, I have begun to realize how subjective perceptions of life can be.
I am real. My pain is real. My dreams, no matter how lofty, can be real. It is merely a matter of will and dedication to a purpose. Once I thought that my reason for being was to damn mankind, then I embraced the madness that dwells in my heart, saw that my talent for destruction could be used to liberate others, wake them up to genuine emotion and visceral experience.
Now it is time to utilize that personality of carnage to do something grand scale. I tore down the tower so I could rebuild it to my own design. From this perch I look out on the world and it becomes clear. It's up to me. I must play my part. Even one as damaged as me has a role in this cosmic drama, perhaps the greatest role for I can see it all unfolding, and know how best to destroy it.
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