1/7/13
Today is the day when everything begins.
A full year of prepping, planning, exorcising self-defeatist and co-dependent tendencies, organizing a social life, a social media presence, and real world relationships with friends and co-conspirators. I have a job at an entertainment conglomerate, an apartment in Brooklyn, and an army of creatives at my disposal.
It's time to take over the world. Or at least start the process actively. Today's lesson learned is cut ties that bind. If I feel uncomfortable with my interactions with someone, then I address their behavior with levity and yet firmly stating my issues, if those concerns are dismissed then that person is a hindrance and must be culled from the herd.
It's not easy for me to be cold, so I try and be straightforward with minimal emotional response on my part, but the fact that others will not take my feelings into account to te same degree enrages me. Rather than swallow that and build resentment I must exorcise the source of the problem.
Everyone's so afraid to tell a friend their faults, and so those people go through life assuming that their behavior is acceptable, never having a relationship built on mutual respect. Once upon a time I took any and all abuse from friends, family, relationships because I had so few people in my life. But do I want to surround myself with those who hit me with negativity?
Maybe you're saying to yourself, you should lighten up, people are sarcastic and make mean spirited jokes that are just jokes. Well, that' bullshit. I've learned that life is fucked, people are fucked, and the whole system of socializing needs a serious kick in the ass, or rather those individuals who are squeaky wheels need to get greased.
Where do I draw the line? When is it right and justified for me to take a stand? I don't enjoy demeaning, sexist, hurtful humor, so why the fuck do I have to put up with it? I suppose I'm justifying to myself the dismissive nature I'm growing within me. No one else really takes such care, spends such time making sure they are acting appropriately to their own moral code let alone anyone else's.
I really need to discover that fine line where I can be harsh without hesitation, but also precise in my delivery so as to make them into a better person. And yes, by my standards, as I will put my ethics up against anyone's scrutiny. I may not be perfect but I strive to be as close as possible.
More than ever I am able to counter overwhelming emotions with a logical and rational application of thought that makes it so that I do not squirm with an anxious stomach, dwelling on the things I can not change, but also harm the other enough and through shame, the most immediately effective passive aggressive motivator, teach the other person that their behavior is harmful, hopefully leading them to dwell in my stead. I can only hope it leads to personal betterment.
But that's not my problem. They will or won't, but no one babied me through my dark times, through the hours of self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy. No one held my hand an talked me through it. Though, that's not true, but those that have are in my inner circle for life. They may have done me wrong as well, but they acknowledged and addressed it. We made peace and moved forward with our friendship.
So, the tally is one less drain on emotional resources today. Clearing the way for others more deserving of my kindness & understanding, more room for me to be enriched by others. And yet, there's still a twinge of guilt as I saunter on, ignoring the enemies I may be leaving behind me in my wake.
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