5/25/13
I wake and nothing is as it was, everything was back to normal. She was gone, eradicated from my plane of existence by the forces of law & order. There was a plume of healthy exuberance that surged into the void she tore through me.
In order to be happy I would only have to have the love I suffered with for the better part of a year ripped from me by her own actions. She must have know I was too weak to do what must be done, to say goodbye, forever.
And I am happy. I don't feel the anxiousness of her impending arrival at my door, the helplessness of her disappearances, the uncertainty of her actions. I fight the impulse to say I never knew her at all, but all evidence says otherwise.
In the confines of my apartment, a floor above her own disaster of a living space which served as a creatively chaotic art project, we'd talk long into the night about the Universe, craft Magick spells, and make love for hours on end. It was everything I thought I wanted, the only problem was, none of it was real.
Or maybe it was, but the darker psychotic forces were too strong, and every attempt of mine to love her through it only pushed her further inside as she rejected all that I gave to her. I wanted to marry her, care for her, build a life, a family, with her.
But it wasn't to be. Even I, with near infinite patience and understanding, yes, even I have a limit. And when I watched her wail and moan at every loving sentiment, when I saw her switch into a different psyche, a dark and malicious persona that knew how to tear me down, and even then, I loved her through it all.
She wouldn't have it, stormed out, and ended everything we had with a gesture meant to appease the new personality she was crafting, and to attack and destroy me at my very core. She knew how to destroy me, I called her bluff, and so, she pulled the trigger.
All of time & space collapsed in on me. I was confined and left with no time. A lamb in the lion's den; naive never looked so pathetic as it did the days I spent processed through the legal system, seeking justice, finding only persecution.
If only I could speak to her. Tell her it needn't be this way, that all would work out because goddammit I loved her. But that didn't work before, and legally I am forbidden from that now. Another Universe, Alternate Realities lie between us, her security blanket of falsehoods have made it impossible for this to ever be resolved, at least personally.
And now, there is a judgment coming, and all I know find me to be innocent, as I am redeemed by the truth, but utterly obliterated with the heartbreak of a love lost beyond my ability to save. The Law forbids me, she will not allow me, so convinced of her lies that we will never see one another again. Ever.
I concoct all manner of scenarios where we are past this, a future where I am rich beyond imagination, above laws and statues of limitations are nothing to a man of my stature, when it's okay that we see one another again, we can talk, and hold one another.
But it's my lie, one that I have to tell myself to make it to tomorrow. With every passing day I feel the addiction to the intense emotional pain she subjected to me fade. It never was love, not for her. It was another story, a construct to provide her with what she needed in the moment.
Or she loved me, knew she was doomed, and did what she thought best to make sure I would, could, never ever contact her again. I don't feel like she wanted to punish me. She knew I loved her.
I made her eat when she was anorexic, held her when she cried, sat at her bedside in the hospital when her kidneys were failing, cleaned her wounds when she tried to kill herself. She knew I loved her, how much I loved her, she must, for I showed her every day in every way I knew how.
Not that any of that matters. She's lost to me, while ensnaring my own life in a frozen eternity of peril, a dangling sword of Damocles lingering in every moment of every day. So I process the heartache as best I can,
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