My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 34 years old, and finally ready to live my life like a proper adult man. I've given up the childish behavior of insecurity and dependency, and embraced the eternal youth qualities of joy and wonder that have been the steadfast rock of my soul.
Despite a proper religious education, I have always been fascinated by the life of Jesus. A man who is more myth than real, yet is more real than any other myth. A magician of sorts, who, through his life story, his trials and stations of the cross, changed humanity forever. He sacrificed his life, bowed before torture to show the mechanics of the society he lived in.
Was I drawn to that because of my own suffering in life, overtaken by a desire to assign some sort of divine purpose to my meager existence? Did I orchestrate my own suffering based on my drive to ascend beyond a simple life? Can the power of belief affect reality to the degree that ridiculous situations craft themselves around me? Is it some magnetic pull over random coincidences?
I can only assume my father's own fantasy impulses have become imprinted on my own psyche, forging a hero's journey for me to follow. I inately understand the structure of stories, and this must be a factor. Having the last name Christenson also ties into this Christ Complex, as well as my father's own tendency to play the role of martyr.
But with this birthday which I always saw as some sort of deadline, Jesus himself only living til 33 and the other signifiicant numerology behind the number, I now find myself at the start of a new journey. I've completed my novel, a self-indulgent introspective creative diary of sorts, and I've gone through the massochistic tendencies that I saw in myself.
I think I'm ready to grow up, to be happy, to build a life for myself and finally achieve the success I've always felt undeserving of. I've forgiven myself. I know what I am to blame for in my past. I truly feel I have always done my best, treated those around me as I wish to be treated, and now I no longer need this story to live within.
I'm prepared to live my life.
Commendable
ReplyDeleteIt was never about you... Chris Christenson is the son of the Carpenter, with the middle name Joseph, who grew up on Jerusalem Ave., who stroked out in detox and with that experience is writing a book which explores the Internal Moral Compass and a pathway to your Higher Power... I'm just sayin'
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is, you actually think that. But really, I'm the one with the talent and ambition. So try and keep up if you can.
ReplyDeleteOhh... nice comeback! I'm shakin' I'm shakin'
ReplyDeleteCan I interest you in one of these fine leather jackets?