Daily Kurt: the Weekend

So I worked all day Saturday, and am now heading into work on Sunday Night. I went out Friday night with Reilly to hang out with the writer and the editor he works with at Marvel. We had some beers, hotdogs, and watermelon salad, with a dose of 9-11 apple pie left over from the fourth. After that we went out to a bar down in the financial district to be extras in a pilot this girl was putting together.

I was a total sweaty mess which has convinced me to chop my hair off. Why I grow my hair long in the summer I'll never know. I tend to just shave it all off in a heat stroke freakout. I guess it takes about a year to grow back to this length, but fuck that, I looked like I was balding with a giant cranium.

But the experience was awesome, once my hair dried. We got to watch the most expensive piece of equipment I've ever seen in action ($50k camera), and one of the most together crews do their thing. We got a couple of free drinks, which my broke ass appreciated, and made friends with the bartender who invited us for 1/2 price drinks at a new douchey spot in midtown next Saturday night.

Reilly and I wound up leaving with three of the other extras and I was my usual quiet self until one of the girls mentioned Buffy and I geeked out of course. Nothing to say unless it relates to the dorkiest of the dorky. Oh, there was also this really bizarre Sorceror's Apprentice game outside the Trump Building. That's a very odd part of town.

Saturday at work was really draining. It was busier than I thought it would be and after gorging on some chinese food I really got sluggish and grumpy. I wanted to go see this band Nobody Beats the Drum at Brooklyn Bowl, but I passed on it. Partly due to social anxiety, and partly due to having no money to spend on the Brooklyn brewed beers there.

This is where writing in a blog and having a desire to share everything becomes a tricky place for me. Something bad (relatively minor considering my last year) happened but I don't feel comfortable talking about it. It involves someone else and suffice to say it ended poorly. I hope I'm not saying too much, if anyone's even reading this. I just wish I could talk about it with someone.

I guess that's why I write. I have this overwhelming desire to communicate, to express myself. Maybe because my parents never talked to me, never told me anything, never guided me through life or told me they loved me. I had/have so many feelings, emotions coursing through me, and if I don't get it out they'll consume me. I've often had boughts of severe depression and after writing a chapter in my book, it disappears.

But just a week after starting this blog, my new life, I think I've finally seen that I really need to do this right and I need to do it alone. Well, not alone, I'll need to connect with friends. Let those moments with guy friends really resonate, not retreat into a female co-dependent relationship situation, like I usually do. I need to finally be alone.

Sitting in my new apt, on the air mattress that I now own, trying to get an internet connection to stave off the loneliness. Fight through and be by myself long enough to realize that it's not so bad. That I'm not so bad. That I don't need to be crippled by insecurity, jealousy, self-pity. So many others see me as someone much stronger, and at times I feel like that person.

It's just a matter of making it stick. Let's see how we can make that happen.

K